What’s the weirdest animal you’ve ever ridden?

Does a human count?

You’d better not mean it in a ‘having sex’ way.

No, no, that’s not what I mean.

Why did you ride a human being?

It was a spur-of-the-moment riding-a-human-being kind of time. I had to get somewhere quickly.

How far did you ride this person?

Just a couple of minutes. It was Corey from the band. He didn’t mind. There was no damage. He’s a strong boy.

Do you have any recurring dreams?

I have really fucked-up dreams. I had a pretty nasty one that’s not recurring but stuck in my mind. I’m in a bathtub and constantly crapping all this butcher’s meat. I was screaming and crying and the whole tub was fucking disgusting.

That’s fucked-up.

I had another one where there’s hundreds of millions of bugs underneath my bed – so many that they all crawl out in this giant centipede formation.

Any more?

I had this other one where I’m going out with Natalie Portman for some reason. I’m not too much into her or anything. She had a shaved head and full tattooed sleeves. I think she was pregnant, and then Tom Cruise was trying to attack me with a Samurai sword. I’d like to ask a dream analyst why that happened.

What’s your idea of hell?

I guess if hell really exists, you would have to do whatever you hated doing in life every single day.

How about being bummed by Tom Cruise?

That wouldn’t be very fun. I don’t think I’d like that unless… he was beautiful and gentle about it. I’m kidding. I guess hell would be the disgusting torture scenes in all the movies now. That would be pretty awful for eternity. But I guess you’d get used to it, wouldn’t you? That’s why the idea of hell seems conflicting of itself. If you had to be tormented and burning for all of eternity you’d get used to it. You’d just be like,
“Oh, whatever, I’m getting burned. It’s a normal day.” It’d be like going to work.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve killed?

I’m not really into hunting and I’ve never been attacked by an animal.
I hope that doesn’t happen – where a grizzly bear tries to eat me.

So something really small then?

I fucking hate bugs more than anything. If I had the chance to kill a 6ft-tall bug I’d do it, if I had, like, a rocket launcher.

Is it OK to kill animals?

If you’re stranded somewhere, you have no other option and you need that thing to live. Like the Native Americans needed the buffalo to live. If people are going to kill an animal it needs to be cos they need the meat or fur to live because they’re isolated in some weird Arctic jungle.

Or like when Luke Skywalker had to hollow out that thing and slept in it?

That’s OK.

Could you do that?

If it was life or death and I was on some planet and it was all snowy and I was going to freeze to death unless I opened up an animal it would have to be done.

And you could sleep in it too?

Yeah.

Do you believe in aliens?

I just hope if they exist they don’t look really lame like the old 50s movies.

If an alien is already here and masquerading as a human, who do you reckon it’s most likely to be?

Tom Cruise.

He’s got to be odds-on favourite.

He used to be my favourite growing up, but he’s kinda gotten loopy, which is a bit of a let-down. I remember when I first saw The Last Samurai. I think I had short hair then. I had long hair my whole life and I shaved my head, and then I saw the film and I was like, “Wow, I want hair like that!” Then he started to do all that wacky stuff. I guess that’s why he had a Samurai sword in my dream.

Seems he had a profound effect on you.

Yeah, I guess he did.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve eaten?

I’m not opposed to anything. I’ll try anything once. I’d eat weird animals
if that was normal in the place I was. If it’s their lunch I’ll try it.

Do you think you could eat a human?

Probably not, that’d be kind of weird. Plus, you never know, did they capture a tourist and cut them up and fry them? Or were they a prisoner and that’s the way they get rid of their most wanted? I don’t think I could. There is too much to think about.

But if they were already dead?

I’m sure there’s a bit in cartoons and movies where you can absorb the power and life of someone if you eat them. I’d never want to do that and inherit all that person was. I don’t think I could.

If you had to have sex with an animal, what would you choose?

I don’t know if I would want to have sex with an animal.

If you had to choose between necrophilia, coprophilia and bestiality, which would you go for?

Definitely not poop, for sure. I hate body waste. With necrophilia they have to be dead, right?

Technically, they can have just died that very minute, if that blurs any moral lines.

But don’t dead people release their bowels? That’s a trick question!

You got me.

If I was being held at gunpoint, I guess I would have to pick an animal.

How about one of those gorillas that can sign? You could explain you were held at gunpoint, and you could dress her up too.

Dress her up like a waitress?

Sure, why not? So you’d go for a gorilla?

I didn’t say a gorilla. I think that would be too tough. I’m going to change my mind. If I had consent from the person who was about to die and they were like, “I really want you to bang me when I’m dead, I just fancy you so much,” I’d have to pick that one. The animal thing is just too weird. I guess if the dead person wanted you to, if that was their lifelong wish, then a dead person.

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