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| I used to be able to suck my own dick... | |
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I rode an elephant when I was about ten or eleven. It’s a very bizarre sight, seeing a fat kid on an elephant. I’m sure the elephant was like, ‘Why isn’t this relationship reversed?’
Do you have any fetishes?
No, I’m actually kind of boring. I’m not one of those dudes that likes to see chicks wearing high heels and crushing hamsters, and I’m not into leather or being tied up. I guess I’ve got a food fetish, but I don’t work that into sex at all.
What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?
You’d be hard pressed to say that an asshole’s a strange thing to have in your mouth…it’s part of fooling around with a chick. Some people would consider it strange… I guess if you polled a hundred people at a mall and asked if it was strange to have an asshole in your mouth, most would say yes, I would say no. So based on popular vote, I’d say an asshole.
Have you ever seen a UFO or do you believe in the possibility of alien life-forms?
I’ve never seen a UFO, my friend Walter maintains he saw a ‘rod’ – a sort of fast-moving, classified species. It is technically an unidentified flying object. I totally believe in life outside of our planet. I’ve not seen proof, but I’d be hard-pressed to believe we’re the only ones here.
What’s your idea of hell?
Hawaii. I’ve been there a few times and it’s very warm, so people are wearing as little clothing as possible, and most people are in shape. The notion of being somewhere where it’s always hot, that’s my idea of hell. My idea of Heaven is a cold, dark room where I’m not sweating.
What’s the craziest rumour you’ve ever heard about yourself?
That I wanted to be in the Superman movie (that I was writing ten years ago) so much that I showed up at Warner Brothers wearing a Superman costume.
I wish that was true.
Yeah, let me tell you, I wish it was true! I’d have videoed it, put it on YouTube and got a huge fucking hit count. I was never thinking about acting outside of Silent Bob at that point, and never would I have been like, ‘Cast me in a hundred million dollar movie, the fat dude, as a character everyone knows to be thin and muscular!’
Do you ever hear voices in your head?
Never, I wish I did. It sounds cool, especially when you see it depicted in movies. If it was just a voice in my head that carried on a conversation with me, that’d be tremendous, you’d never be alone.
Do you have any phobias?
Sharks, spiders, warm weather…the ocean in general.
Now I see why Hawaii is hell for you.
Totally. Last time I was there I was up in my hotel room while my wife went swimming. I was watching her from the balcony, and I see a dark shadow moving towards her in the water, and it was a massive sea turtle! She didn’t see it, and I keep waving and pointing, but she doesn’t know what the fuck I’m pointing at.
Every time she turned round it would go back under the water. I don’t think there are any documented cases of turtles attacking people or trying to drag them down to the briny depths, but still, it was fucked up knowing there was something that close to her, moving around in the water. I told her when she got back and she was just nonplussed, but if I’d had a gun in the room, I would have been firing into the water.
What’s the closest to death you’ve ever come?
We were flying to Los Angeles, and the plane plummeted. The overhead bins opened up, stuff flew everywhere – it felt like a steady, sustained freefall for what felt like a minute. It felt like, ‘This is it’.
I was praying in my head, me and my wife have terror-struck looks on our faces, and then the plane rights itself and the captain says, ‘Sorry folks, we hit what’s known as a “mountain wave”. We fell the equivalent of forty storeys.’ I couldn’t get on a plane for about eight months after that.
If you had to have sex with an animal, what would it be?
A dolphin. They’ve got, aside from a labia of some sort – dolphin pussy – there’s a blowhole. Also, they’re very sleek and they look cute. There’s something kind of sexy about a dolphin, I guess. But still, that’s only at gunpoint.
If you could have a superpower, what would you choose?
Flight. Or the ability to suck my own dick, which I guess would be elasticity. I’m not talking about being Reed Richards, I just need a more malleable spine. Or a longer dick.
There’s a persistent urban myth that Prince had his bottom two ribs removed, just so he could do that.
I used to be able to do it when I was eighteen or nineteen.
Really?
I couldn’t get my balls to my lips, but I could get a centimetre or two past the head – it was pretty impressive. But it was always very weird afterwards, because you can’t kick yourself out of your room.
It made me realise I could never be gay, because I thought, ‘I don’t know what to say after someone’s come in my mouth’. You just feel silly afterwards. It’s life-threatening, too – if you roll one way or the other, you could snap your spine. It’s so much easier just to tug one out. Or meet someone who’ll do those things for you.
Have you ever been aroused by an inanimate object?
Yeah, I remember the first time I saw one of those rubber pussy things you can buy. When I was working in the convenience store I saw one in the back of a really filthy porn mag. I saw it and thought, ‘I’d totally fuck that!’ I was charmed by that notion, and then years later, somebody sent me one as a gag gift, and on closer inspection, I was like, ‘I’d rather jerk off.’
Necrophilia, coprophilia or bestiality?
Coprophilia. I’d much rather eat shit than fuck a dead person or an animal. Also, coprophilia’s much more broad, there’s a wider range of definitions – it could be someone who’s eaten ass, and I am an ass-eater, so there’s more wiggle-room there.
But you would fuck a dolphin.
Yeah…but only at gunpoint, haha!
My Boring-Ass Life by Kevin Smith, published by Titan Books at £9.99 is available to buy now
READERS’ QUESTIONS
Where the hell did you get your inspiration for Dogma? how did it feel to be in a Die Hard movie? And can I sit on your face?
Sian Lewis from Gloucester
Dogma came about because I spent eight years in Catholic school, and I sat there every time, chuckling when the priest would say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.’
Being in Die Hard was surreal. It was kind of cool, but the only way I could be in a movie like that was to be the fat comic relief. I was the only guy in that movie who didn’t punch anyone or shoot a gun. Even his daughter, who was in peril, punched a dude! I got to punch nobody! That was ok, though.
It would’ve been horrible to have been asked to depict an onscreen punch and have everyone see that I’m clearly not a man. I don’t know how to take a swing at someone.
As for the last part, if she clears it with the wife, then yes. I’m a giver, man. When you grow up fat you eat a lot of pussy, because that’s the only way you get any. So I’m all for it, but first you gotta clear it with the wife.
In Clerks II you broach the subject of ass to mouth, what is your personal opinion on this?
Lou
I think ass to mouth is kind of heinous. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it in a film – first, you find a woman goodly enough to let you fuck her in the ass, then what do you do? You make it more horrible by quickly pulling out and ramming your anal-stained cock in her mouth.
I was just like, ‘There’s nothing sexy or gratifying about that. It’s for men who hate women.’ I’m an ass man, but still…it’s just greedy. Be happy that you’ve got a woman who’ll give you anal! But no, you’ve got to take it a step further…
MORE WEIRD WORLD
