Or, as his mum knows him, Shaun Wiliamson...

Have you ever seen a UFO?
No. To my knowledge, I’ve had absolutely no paranormal or psychic experiences ever. That’s really dull I know but I haven’t.

Do you believe in aliens?
No, but I believe in the spirit world. I don’t believe in heaven and hell or God as a big man with a beard, but I do believe that people’s spirits go somewhere when they die. You can’t have this incredible life force that just goes nowhere.

Have you ever seen a clairvoyant?
I have been to see clairvoyants and some of them, I know this is a cliché, but they do say things that they couldn’t possibly have known. Do you know what I mean?

I’m not convinced by people like Derek Acorah.
“Are you there? Oh, his name begins with J! Jenny? John? Ahhh! Ahhh!” I’m not convinced by him either, he can fuck off. There are certain people – I’m talking about little old ladies that don’t go on telly they just sit in their front room – and some of the things have been mind-blowing.

What kind of thing?
One of them told me that I was going to have a daughter that would be born in March. The hospital had told us that we were going to have a boy and that he was due in May. We had a daughter in March. I’ve had friends come back from them and they’ve been mind-boggled. I believe that there is a spirit world and that some people have access to it.

Do you have any recurring dreams?
I just have what they call ‘the actor’s nightmare’.

Does it involve nudity?
Sometimes. Sometimes people get that fear of being exposed in front of people in a wide-open space. But this is normally to do with not knowing your lines and knowing that you’re part of a play or an event and you don’t know your lines.

What do you dream about normally?
Normally there’s a bit of a chase going on. Not necessarily a big Hollywood one, just I’m being pursued, or trying to do something and I can’t.

What’s your idea of hell?
There was a great song years ago called Slim Dusty that was called A Pub With No Beer.

And that’s your idea of hell?
Yes. My favourite beer is lager. One of the weaker, bog standard Carling or Carlsbergs, cold.

Do you think that you’re going to hell?
No, I don’t think so. I think if I go it’s going to be an incredibly fucking busy place really. I’m a bit of a twat really and I do like a beer so by definition every now and again I might say something stupid and regret it. But I’m a good dad and I like to treat people as I would wish to be treated.

What’s the strangest thing that you’ve ever had in your mouth?
Probably my baby daughter’s snot. When you’re a parent you have to go the extra mile sometimes. And if they’re nose is totally blocked up and they can’t sleep then you have to get it out somehow.

Did you suck it out?
Yeah. You have to do these things when you’re a parent. The attraction fades after the first couple of times.

That’s so sweet.

It was actually: chewy and sweet.

What’s the craziest rumour that you’ve heard about yourself?
I guy came up to me in a pub in London a few years ago and said to me, ‘I’ve got a bet with a mate that you were the lead singer of a jazz funk band in the 70s’. The nearest I got to that was buying a Shack Attack LP. It’s a total rumour.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed?
I think I’ve had to put a rabbit out of its misery before now when one of my dogs has got hold of it I think. You break their neck and then you throw it up in a tree because there is every chance that it’s got myxamatosis and you have to make sure that other animals don’t eat it. I must point out to any animal lovers that my dog had done the bulk of the fucking damage already before I stepped in.

It sounds like a classic case of justifiable euthanasia; a very manly but kind act.
I live in the middle of nowhere in a wood in darkest Kent so these things happen. In fact, when we first moved in I heard a noise and I shit myself. It sounded like a young girl being brutally assaulted. I had a nose about and couldn’t find anything and then the next day someone told me that it was a fox or a badger ripping open a hedgehog and that’s the noise that they make.

What’s the closest that you’ve ever come to death?
I once went out on a naval expedition to climb a mountain in Wales, and one of the guys fell off a ledge and broke his legs and we had to be rescued by the RAF. I remember being winched up into a helicopter, spinning round and round. All the RAF were at the top shouting, ‘Ah, you wanker! Stick to the sea you wanker!’

What were you doing up a mountain when you were in the navy?
I’d like to ask the top brass the same fucking question. But mine was not to reason why at the time. Team building I think.

If you could have a superpower, what would you choose?
Invisibility.

This is normally when things get pervy.
What, ladies toilets and that kind of thing?

Yep, that kind of thing.
Sounds good to me.

So you admit that it’s for pervy purposes?
No, you could do a lot of things with that.

Go on.
You could nip behind the bar and refill your glass, all kinds of stuff, all sorts of good things. Do you think that I should use it for the good of mankind?

You could.

Fuck ‘em. They’re all cunts out there mate, you know that. That’s my motto: They’re all cunts out there.

Good motto.
It is.

Have you ever been aroused by an inanimate object?
Aroused? Er, no. Never.

I don’t believe you but I’ll let it go.
I always find that a pulse helps.

Have you ever wet yourself through fear?
No, not through fear, only through alcohol intake.

Do you want to tell me more about that?
Not really. I would be surprised if most men hadn’t done it in their teens. If they haven’t then don’t ever come drinking with me you fucking lightweight.

What’s the weirdest animal you’ve ever eaten?
I’m a bit fussy about that. I own two alpacas. Every now and again I look at them and think, what purpose do you serve? And there’s a barbecue coming up…

Why do you own two alpacas?
I’m not buying my daughter a horse yet so they just graze my paddock and keep it down. That’s a fucking thing to say isn’t it? These are things that I never thought I would be saying as a 16-year-old postman.

If you had to have to sex with an animal what would you choose?
Any animal with a big mouth that doesn’t have any teeth. Or I could take out the teeth out I suppose.

To prepare it for oral relations?
That’d do me. Something like a big guppy fish.

If you had to choose between necrophilia, coprophilia, and bestiality, what would you go for?
I think coprophilia.

Really?
Rather than fuck an animal or a dead body?

When you put it like that… And it’s the only one that’s legal.
That’s just the kind of guy that I am.


READER'S QUESTION:
Could you kill a man?
Yeah, I think so. You’ve only got to walk around the town centre on a Saturday night and you’d see someone that you thought, ‘I’d really like to kill you, you knob’. They’re all cunts out there.